1000 Day Challenge

The challenge: 1000 days of relentless headaches, fatigue, no hockey, no sports, sensitivity to lights & sounds, drastically limited social life, poor tolerance to car rides, television & busy places. Would you accept?

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole. I would rather take on a challenge to climb a mountain, attend graduate school, or run a marathon; all of which are certainly physically and mentally difficult in their own right. But that isn’t a choice I got to make. The challenge of post-concussion syndrome was thrust upon me, and 1000 days later, it isn’t even over yet.

December 14, 2013 marks 1000 days since my concussion (and no, I didn’t count that myself; there are websites to do that for me) I think this occasion is a good time to look back at the progress that has been made.

When I first got the concussion, I really didn’t know what to expect and kept trying to downplay that it wasn’t all that bad. Looking back, those days were pretty rough. If I was lucky enough to wake up feeling energetic with no headache, that would quickly change after so little activity such as having a shower and drying my hair. I would then be completely exhausted after being up for less than one hour and need to lie down again. There was an impulsiveness in my need to rest; I would get so tired, there would be only one thought in my head “I need to rest NOW” and would leave class to have a nap in the study room in the basement at my school. I felt the urgency to lie down the same way one feels the urgency to use the restroom after consuming too many liquids and holding it in all day. The headaches were really bad too. I remember trying to sleep at night but too distracted by the pulsating pain in my head. While lying down, the sound of my head pounding was overwhelming and would often find myself needing to sit up to make it ease. After a few months had passed, I tried to increase my walking as I thought this was how the recovery protocol would go. I thought it was time, but my brain had other plans.

It’s satisfying to be at a point now, where on a good day I can handle a 30 minute bike ride or walk at a brisk pace. I have even been able to give cross country skiing a try. It is a “refreshing” activity to get outside and enjoy the outdoors. I think deep down, I have a subconscious association of physical activity in the cold with utter joy due to the years of bliss out on a frigid hockey rink. Cross country skiing has also given me something else to focus on and distract me from the hockey void that comes this time of year. I exercise extreme caution, and fortunately my balance is in good shape (I passed the balance test at the specialist’s with flying colours). I have never been a downhill skier, and don’t think I ever will be due to the increased speed and risk of falling; I feel a lot more in control with cross country skiis.

Now I am also able to comfortably handle a 4 hour work day. Which is a decent amount considering there was a point where a 2 hour work day was pushing my limit. At the time it seemed so ridiculous to me that 2 hours would be overdoing it so I didn’t give it much thought. But right now I’m glad to say I feel better after a 4 hour work day than I did 16 months ago after a 2 hour work day.   

Overall I have noticed improvement in my headaches. I still have headache symptoms at some point or another every single day (1000 consecutive days and counting) but they are not nearly as severe as they used to be. On a bad day, I often find myself wondering if there really is concrete gains or I have just become better at managing my condition and have been accustomed to this new way of living. While the latter is true to some degree, I think looking at the number of hours I can work is really one of the best indicators of progress, even if it is painstakingly slow. It essentially took 1 year to be able to handle an additional 2 hours per day of work.

Slow and steady wins the race, and it took time for me to warm up to this idea. Early on I would think, “slow progress isn’t what I’m after, I want to get better NOW!” But over time I have gained some perspective as the terrifying thought has often crept into my mind of “what if I am stuck this way for the rest of my life?”. When that seems like a possibility, small gains are big gains.  A quote from Plato I stumbled across while browsing a concussion forum, summarizes this nicely:

“Never discourage anyone…who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” -Plato (427 BC – 347 BC)

The Hurt & The Healer

“I’m alive. Even though a part of me has died. You take my heart and breathe it back to life. I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide. When the hurt and the Healer collide.

Breathe. Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do. Pain so deep that I can hardly move. Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You. Lord take hold and pull me through. ” excerpt from-“The Hurt and The Healer” by the band- MercyMe

There’s an old saying to avoid discussing religion and politics in polite conversation. However, as my faith journey as progressed hand in hand with my journey in post-concussion syndrome, I feel I would not be telling the complete story if I did not touch on this topic. I do not mean to offend anyone or come off as “preachy”, for me it is an important part of the puzzle my post-concussion life has become and has helped me feel more at peace despite all the turmoil this hit to my head has caused.

My whole life I have always considered myself as a Christian, it just wasn’t always a priority for me. I guess it can be easy to get caught up in the busyness of everyday life and not take the time to really ask yourself the important questions and do some soul searching. Another part of it, what I found anyways, was that we can fall into this false sense of security when things are going well and think we don’t need God and have things under control on our own. Doing well in school, athletics, and having fun with my friends, I felt confident and ready to conquer the world. Being young and strong I felt was the time to work hard and play hard , I could focus on praying and going to church when I was old.

I recall shortly after the injury, being completely turned off by a well meaning relative that basically insinuated that perhaps my concussion recovery was not progressing quickly because I was not praying enough. It made me upset that this comment was implying I was at fault for a prolonged recovery and that it would simply go away if only I would pray more. I do believe prayer can offer healing, but it may not be in the physical sense that we think we need, but spiritually, mentally or emotionally. Fortunately for me, I had a friend who was strong in his faith. At first, it was not something I was particularly interested in pursuing further, but over time, with some guidance, I found myself wishing to grow further in my faith.

At first I almost was put off as it seemed too cliche. A terrible life altering event happens and the person comes running to religion in desperation. But God works in mysterious ways and all the quiet,restful time needed in concussion syndrome recovery does lend itself quite nicely to prayer…

It also helped for me to be introduced to some church groups to learn more about the faith through others, and to discover young people can value their faith and have fun doing it. I found a sense of community and fellowship that I was longing after no longer being able to play on a hockey team which had been my life for 13 years.

I am fortunate to have not fallen into the mindset “why me” or instead of drawing closer, get angry that God could have “let this happen to me”. I try to remind myself God has a plan for me and each of His children; even though we may not understand it at the time. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9.

I would never wish post-concussion syndrome upon anyone and would not choose this path  of pain and suffering if the decision was up to me. But it is a path that has led me closer to God, so while the journey may not have been pleasant, I think any path that leads one closer to God is certainly a ride worth taking. My brain may still be recovering, and my head achy and unhappy , but my soul is full of joy more than it ever has. 

I will leave you with a few contemporary Christian songs I have found really speak to me. Listening to them helps to bring a peace and calm for me and keep things in perspective. Check them out if you’re interested.

“Bring The Rain” –MercyMe

“Praise You In This Storm” –Casting Crowns